Embrace change and enjoy it.

So recently I was having a conversation with someone about questions you get asked at a job interview. The one I am most inane question to me is “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Well as most of you know I did not grow up in the kind of household where I could ever even begin to guess where I would be in 5 years. I moved 6 times before graduating from High School. I attended 11 different schools. (5 elementary schools, 4 middle schools, and 2 high schools) We were so mobile I thought I should have been raised as a gypsy and then at least I would have a legit excuse for all my moving. Generally I allow people to assume that I moved because my dad was in the military. He was in fact in the military and so it is a very easy assumption. The truth was (and is) that my parents are religious fanatics. Instead of settling down into a house and raising their 3 children they would move the whole family across the county whenever they felt the church they were attending was not quite what they wanted. (yeah I know that strange look on your face… it’s ok you don’t have to understand, I sure as hell don’t.) So when I was 12 my mother cashed out my father pension plan and packed the 5 of us up and moved us to Boston from Florida. When I was 16 they again threw all the money they had and probably maxed out a few credit cards movie the 4 of us (Mike had already moved out) back to Florida from Boston. I never was allowed a concept of “where” I wanted to be in 5 years because for half of my teen life I practically lived out of a suit case.

Back to the point. So here I am as an adult. I have never been able to figure out how to tie myself down. This has caused a number of ill effects but none I can’t live with. Once I start to feel settled I get an itch. I start looking for an out. At the majority of the jobs I have held in my life I stop learning new things about 12-18 months into the process. At which point I become bored. Me and boredom do not mix. When I become bored I become dissatisfied. When I become dissatisfied I want to move on. In the jobs with companies where I stayed longer then 18 months I was generally transferred to different depts. I was taught new things or in the case of WizKids I just was too emotionally attached to the customers to let go.

So after my conversation I sat and thought “Where DO I want to be in 5 years?” After staring blanking at the wall for a fairly extended period of time I realized I have no answer at all. After realizing this I thought to myself, “Just how hard is it to think of where I want to be in 5 years?” Then I stopped and realized. Where was I 5 years ago? So? Class? Where was I 5 years ago?

5 years ago October 2003. In October 2003 I had come to the realization that I was actually considering the un-considerable. The horrible thing I never thought would happen to me happened, Divorce. Leading off this year a few things happened. Some of you may not know that I have had 2 miscarriages. Neither pregnancy was planned. The first really was a relief. My ex and I were not making enough money to provide. Life would have been hell but I figured I would find a way to cope. Others did more with less. I lost the first one at about 6 weeks. It happened so quickly that I barely had time to become attached to the idea. The second one came at a time where our financials were better (not great) and I wanted it. (or so I thought at the time) I lost the second at 8 weeks. I had plenty of time to form things in my mind and accept that this was happening. I was devastated. My ex knowing that in discussions we had had that I did not want children because I still had so many things I wanted to do in life tried to point out the “good” things about the miscarriage. To me, at the time, I only saw how much I had accepted it and how little he wanted to have kids. He was not cruel about anything but his relief came across very badly to me as I lay knowing that I would likely never have a child and hurting because I felt broken. The one most horrifying thing any doctor ever told me was that I was not going to be able to have children. For me there were 2 responses. The immediate response was my “Rebel” that stepped up and said “You can’t tell me that I can’t do something DAMN IT!” I wanted in many ways to prove that doctor wrong. I wanted to show her. Common Sense fell back into place quickly enough that I didn’t do anything I would regret. The second response was the one I hear from so many other women in similar positions, “I am a woman… my only natural requirement in life is to procreate and I can’t do that right?” Well I thought to myself if I can’t even get pregnant, which every drunken teenager has the ability to do, well then what the hell use am I? Oy! Those were not the best times. The second miscarriage happened in the beginning of 2003. This began the downfall of my marriage. So by October several other things piled on top of the camels back and there I was watching my marriage dissipate into a cloud of gas. Within a few months I would be spending my first Christmas completely alone in a house I hated with no car to even get me out to the movies, no friends because most were happily celebrating the holidays with their families to stop and realize that Leslie was sitting at home alone contemplating how she got herself into this particular pickle.

Funny that I use that word. Pickle. For those of you that have never worked with metal I will give you a definition. This weekend I learned about a pickle. According to Wikipedia: Pickling is a treatment of metallic surfaces in order to remove impurities, stains, rust or scale with a solution called pickle liquor. So over the course of that winter I was in a pickle. It helped me remove many impurities, some left over stains and rust and helped me to work on me. Not something I have ever done before. If you had told me 5 years ago where I would be now, I would just have shaken my head and told you that you were nutty. I was hurt and lonely and wanted to be my own little island. I just wouldn’t have even begun to know what to expect from 5 years later.

So here I am 5 years later and what has changed? I am living about 3600 miles from where I was then. I have lost about 50 pounds from that time mostly due to not eating the fast food I was constantly gorging on in Florida. I am enjoying the outdoors which if you had told me 2 years ago I would be doing I would have laughed you out of the room. Now instead of Mage Knight or HeroClix I Kayak and hike. Now instead of spending the weekends staring at the TV or playing on the computer I am going to jewelry making classes and festivals, Instead of working in a dead end receptionist position at a good company, I am working in a dead end Admin position at a good company (no offense LOL.) I am, just recently, happily moved in with Bill and while we have our issues as any couple does we understand each other on a deep level. We know we don’t have to spend every moment of the day together and yet we still enjoy grocery shopping together from time to time. Heh

I could never have guessed where I wanted to be 5 years ago and really honestly I wouldn’t have wanted to try and guess. I like my “transient-like” lifestyle. I like not knowing what is around the corner and while I will never know what it is like to have kids of my own, I still have plenty of friends and their kids to spoil not to mention Bill’s 2. So as I stress this week about getting the house cleaned up for Thanksgiving and making out my menu for the big day I don’t have to worry where I will be in 5 years. I just take one day at a time and watch where it leads me. The one and only constant in life is change. Well and taxes. ;-) Embrace change and enjoy it.