Thanks for noticing - Eeyore

So you know how often we take for granite times without stress until we are in a time that is stressful? We just don’t take the time to stop and think “Hey I have a good life.” Well today as I sat in major pain from my IBS, which is generally brought on by my stress level I realized I have not had these problems for quite some time.

Back in 2006 I had a bought of IBS problems but those were brought on by the nasty antibiotic the dentist gave me (one more reason to hate dentists… like I needed one) that killed all the good biotics in my system but overall I have not had much in the way of IBS problems since I moved here nearly 4 years ago. I attribute this to a number of factors. I am learning how to control my stress levels and I have not really had much to stress about. Many of you that know me and have helped me deal with the past 4 yrs may disagree, over 3 months out of work… hating my previous job and many of my previous coworkers, but really overall it’s not been a problem. However, this week I am having problems. I am distracted by what my friend is going through and her daughter in particular.

How hard must it be to have lost your father to Leukemia when you were 11 and now at 17 your mom is diagnosed with a brain tumor. Spending your weekends in the hospital wondering what will happen instead of carelessly cruising town with your friends. Hanging out and having your biggest concern be if some boy at school likes you. Ugh…

I have worked my way through all of the stages of grief denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The acceptance part is the worst in my opinion. I am a rebel. At times I rebel against myself. I don’t want to accept it. I don’t want it to be true and because I am so far from where she is and I can’t see what’s happening denial is much easier. So in the process of being in denial my body knows and has accepted what is true and so it conflicts with itself.

On the other hand I know some of my stress comes from my impending greeting of my parents. I have not seen my family since I moved here. I have thought about going to see them a number of times but each year something came up. We can just go ahead and call this avoidance. I have had enough therapy to know I avoid my parents. The reasons are too many to even begin to express but I will say that my mother and I have rarely seen eye to eye and my father has a tendency to do what my mother tells him. I can not blame him for this because well… he has to live with her. If you have read my posts recently you will know that I was already anticipating a trip “home” for my brother’s wedding in November. My blood pressure was higher two weeks ago (before I heard about my friend) then it has been in longer then my Dr. has on file. When I see my mother we fight. It is not something that happens every time we see each other but often enough for me to expect it to happen. Since I am there only 49 hours I am hoping we can manage not to fight. I really don’t want to fight. Life is far too short. In spite of it all I love my parents. We had good times but the bad times stick with a person longer.

So here I am a big ball of stress trying to release my tension through bubble baths and jasmine tea. I need to keep reminding myself to breath. I want to be past all this and be my happy go-lucky person again. I miss that person. I am not a big fan of this droopy dumpy version of myself. For those who know me this is not me. I have always been more T-i-double g-rrrrrr then Eeyore but here I sit with the cloud over my head.